Theories surrounding the Ararat Anomaly arose from a single black and white photograph taken in 1949 by a USAF recon plane performing routine intelligence gathering of the Ararat massif, which was in an area of military interest at the time. This famous photo shows a shoulder of Mount Ararat, only 1300 feet from the summit, covered in snow, with an odd-looking object on the very precipice of a steep slope. Conspiracy theorists, many of them Biblical literalists, claim that the odd-looking object if Noah’s Ark, which the Bible states “came to rest on the mountains of Ararat” after the Great Flood. Since the Bible pluralizes “mountains,” the question still stands, “Which mountain of the area?” Mount Ararat is the tallest of the Armenian Plateau, but the whole area of Eastern Turkey and Western Armenia is mountainous, and Mount Ararat is actually two peaks, with the main peak a prominence for miles around. The anomaly appears to be a very rounded elongation teetering on the edge of a slope, buried under ice and snow, and it has so roused the curiosity of the U. S. government that planes and satellites have been used to take numerous photographs of it, not all of which, the theory claims, have been made public. The best public views of it can be found on the Internet for free, and the anomaly does look very much like a big boat, approximately 1,000 feet long and 200 to 300 feet wide, which roughly matches the Bible’s description of the Ark. A close-up of it appears to show two sets of three “prongs,” one set on each end, and this close-up does look very man-made. Why the U. S. government will not divulge anything further than what is available is not universally established, but the theory claims that in order to do so, the government would have to declassify top-secret spy satellites, which would set a lot of unwanted media against them in terms of invasion of privacy. The U. S. does have satellites that can photograph a postage stamp from 600 miles overhead, but there are no such photographs of the anomaly.
Catharism is a branch of Christianity similar to Gnosticism, and the details of it would take too long to enumerate. Its heyday lasted from the 1000s to the 1300s, and during that time, Cathars throughout Europe so irritated the Roman Catholic Church that the Church first tried to convert the Cathars without violence. When that didn’t work, they initiated a full-force Crusade, the Albigensian Crusade, which brought 20 years of warfare against the Cathar movement. During that Crusade, the fortress of Beziers was besieged throughout most of 1209, at the end of which, the Catholic army won and slaughtered every single man, woman, and child in the city – at least 7,000, possibly as many as 20,000. The leader of the army stated, “Kill them all. The Lord will recognize His own.” In the end, the Cathars were very effectively suppressed. So why in the world did the Catholic Church pursue this end so violently? Because, according to the theory, the Cathars had copies of various texts sacred to them and not Catholicism, including The Book of the Two Principles, and the Gospel of the Secret Supper. These and other texts depicted Jesus teaching that reincarnation is real, that Heaven and Hell do not exist, that the God of the Old Testament was instead Satan, and Almighty God is either Jesus or his Father in Heaven, but not the Old Testament God. This is a central tenet of Gnosticism also. The most earth-shattering point of this theory is that Jesus may have taught that reincarnation is real, leading theorists to speculate about who on Earth right now is Jesus, and when he will make his presence known again. These apocryphal texts sacred only to Catharism are commercially available, most falling under the header of Gnosticism.
This theory ties in with the 2012 Doomsday theories. It claims that there is a planet the size of Jupiter, named Nibiru or Planet X, currently as far from us as the Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter, and that it is on a collision course with Earth in 2012. The theory goes that the IRAS infrared satellite launched in 1983 took a photograph of this object, which was finally leaked to the Internet in 2009. The photograph was explained away by NASA as showing 9 galaxies and some intergalactic cirrus, but no other objects. The theory goes on to claim that the U. S. government funded the construction of a very powerful telescope at the South Pole to take pictures of Nibiru and track it. This telescope is claimed by NASA to be a radio telescope which cannot take pictures, but the theory ignores this to go on: Nibiru cannot currently be seen because it is behind the Sun. It is impossible to debunk this theory, not because it may or may not be true, but because conspiracy theories don’t have to respect the authority of a government, especially that of the U. S. Any “debunking” of evidence in support of Nibiru is immediately denounced as a lie. Nibiru is on its way, and its impact will obliterate Earth.
At 8:50 AM, on 7 July 2005, three suicide bombers, two of Pakistani descent, and one Jamaican, blew themselves up onboard three separate subway trains, killing a total of 42 people, including the bombers. At 9:47, less than an hour later, the number 30 double-decker bus, traveling in Tavistock Square, blew up because of a fourth bomber, killing 14 people, including himself. These are the facts as presented in news accounts in the days and weeks following. The conspiracy theorists are not convinced. In fact, they are convinced of the opposite: the four bombers were not the culprits, not bombers, and merely innocent civilians along with all the other victims. The real killers, according to the theory, were members of the UK government’s security, including MI5, and that PM Tony Blair, and even the Queen, knew all about it. So why cover it up? Al-Qaeda even took responsibility for it in a post-taped video appearing on Al Jazeera, but this video was proven by British authorities as having been edited after the attacks to include them, in order to take credit for them. The bombers were officially dissociated with al-Qaeda, but the theory simply uses this video as one of many proofs that something fishy was going on. Once the term “cover-up” enters a conspiracy theory, the theorists almost always diverge, because a government may have a great many things to cover up. Evidence of aliens on the subway trains and the number 30 bus; evidence of cooperation between the British government and al-Qaeda (whose video response they tried to shut up); and this lister’s personal favorite sub-theory, that the four “bombers” were really just tabloid photographers who had photographed Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, the future wife of Prince William, having sex with Queen Elizabeth’s horses. No joke, that’s one of the branches of this conspiracy theory.
This theory centers on one man in particular, Samuel Abraham Goudsmit (1902-1978). Goudsmit was a nuclear physicist who headed Operation Alsos as a branch off the Manhattan Project. While America considered it vitally important to beat the Nazis at making the atomic bomb, they found it equally important to hinder the Germans as far as possible. The Allied war effort saw to that magnificently by bombing Nazi ball bearing plants. Hardly any machinery in the world functioned without ball bearings, and while the Nazis attempted to research nuclear physics, Goudsmit organized a spy ring to report on how close the Germans were coming to the bomb. His published reports stated that they never got close, but the truth, according to this conspiracy theory, is much more insidious. Goudsmit is said to have discovered that the Nazi nuclear physicists, led by Otto Hahn and Werner Heisenberg, actually built the bomb, or at least discovered all the technology involved in building one and were in the process of doing so, which Hitler intended to use on London, England. In order to counter this, Goudsmit informed the U. S. Government, which found it more promising to buy the Nazi scientists off than to carpet bomb the areas where nuclear testing was occurring. Additionally, Goudsmit had been unable to ascertain from the scientists where this testing was being done. After the War, laboratories were discovered all over Germany, which means bombing would not have been feasible. So Goudsmit was given millions of dollars to bribe the Nazi scientists into coming to America, with the bomb and all research and materiel, and those scientists partnered with Robert Oppenheimer, Enrico Fermi, and Edward Teller, and enabled the Americans to finish their fission research, then build bombs. The Trinity Test of 16 July 1945 is claimed by this theory to have been the original Nazi bomb.
Steven Greer is the central focus of this one. The theory incorporates all known extraterrestrial conspiracies, then takes them one step further. Greer claims to have been contacted by aliens with good news. He founded the Project in 1992 as a convention for other people who claim to have been contacted by aliens (Trekkers do the same thing, really). Meetings of this Project occur every year in various American cities, are not secret at all, and even boast some fairly authoritative government agents as members, all attempting to make the U. S. government take the hood off the public’s head and “disclose” the truth about extraterrestrial existence. The one step further is as follows: Greer claims the aliens’ good news to him and others they have contacted is that they are on their way from distant planets (more than one), and that they come in peace to share scientific, medical, and cultural knowledge. Most importantly that a specific aspect of their and our planet histories is identical the worlds over – that a certain member of each planet’s most intelligent species was unjustly killed for its own purpose of removing sins from all other members of that species. Conspiracy theories just don’t get much better than this. When they will arrive is anyone’s guess, but 2012 seems to strike a chord.
This theory was used in the film National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, and claims that the Presidents of the United States have passed down a book from Washington to Obama, in which some or all have added facts and histories earth-shattering in scope and implications, and that this book’s location is only known to the President, and the National Librarian of Congress. Thus, if the President is assassinated, the Librarian informs the next President of the book. After each President leaves office, the location is changed. This book is rumored to contain the truth about the alien landings at Roswell, NM and Rendlesham Air Base, UK, and many other UFO events; the truth about the JFK and RFK assassinations; the location of the Holy Grail (tying in with the Fort Knox conspiracy theory); the fates of various high-ranking Nazis following WWII (and the facts concerning the U. S. government’s assistance of them); even the identity of the Antichrist. Assuming there is a book, and assuming it identifies the Antichrist, we are led to wonder if he and the President are on the same side, are one and the same, or whether the President fears for Earth’s immediate future. Even more insidious, in terms of realism, is the claim that the book told of the attacks of September 11, 2001 before they took place, and also tells of the imminent coup d’etat of Russia, followed by a Russo-North Korean invasion of South Korea, initiating WWIII.
You might have seen this one coming. Not many conspiracy theories sprang to life as quickly as the theory in the immediate aftermath of the Navy SEAL raid on bin Laden’s hideout, that Osama bin Laden survived the raid, or wasn’t even present to begin with. The theory was bound to show up anyway, but it took off like wildfire when the White House refused to release official photos of bin Laden’s dead body. Why not? Let’s all see the justice that was done. That was what conspiracy theorists shouted, but the pictures will likely never see the light of day. The official excuse, from the President himself, is that it would be kicking a man while he’s down, and not in keeping with the appearance of fairness the U. S. government prefers to show the world: the sentiment in withholding these pictures was meant to be “we’re better than this barbarian.” But without the photo, many are still crying “fake!” The photo was described by numerous politicians as “very gory” with the entire forehead blown off and brain matter exposed. These politicians, according to the theory, are just part of the cover-up. So if bin Laden is alive, where is he? Well, just claiming that he’s still hiding in the Tora Bora mountains doesn’t suffice conspiracy theorists. They claim he is hiding in the last place anyone will ever look: the United States of America.
Theorists seem to have derived this one from a passage in the late, great Michael Crichton’s novel The Andromeda Strain. In that book, one of the characters tells another about a top-secret U. S. government-funded medical research project which appeared to have discovered a single drug which would not only inhibit the reproduction of a bacteria in the human body, but actively kill all biological and viral pathogens known to science, without any serious repercussions to the human body. The fact that it may stem from a novel has not deterred conspiracy theorists from claiming that Crichton was stating facts but was afraid to admit to it, which is why he hid his facts in a work of fiction. In this passage, the drug is not named, but it is described as causing no more discomfort to the person than diarrhea, because it also kills the good bacteria in the intestines. It kills cancer within days and kills AIDS, syphillis, Herpes Simplexes I and II, Rabies Encephalitis, and every single disease of any kind ever known. The character who describes it remarks that it was about to be made commercially available, until doctors took patients off the drug after several months, and all of them promptly died within weeks from unknown diseases never before seen that caused bizarre and horrifying problems in the body: brains melted, metastasized cancer of every single organ and tissue in the body within days, liquefied livers, and many others. The reason? While on the miracle drug, the human body had no need for its immune system, which stopped functioning. Then when the drug was discontinued, the only barrier the human body has between itself and all the weak bacteria and viruses humans never have problems with did not restart, allowing those germs to create unheard-of infections. That’s all courtesy of Crichton, but the conspiracy theory claims that this drug exists, was tried on people, and was taken off the market for a completely different reason: while the human immune system was not stopping (which is true; it will do its job unless suppressed by age and/or strong diseases), visits to doctors’ offices were. And like all medical conspiracy theories, this one centers on the insidious motive of greed on the part of the American Medical Association, which would be put out of business completely and forever should the drug hit the open market.
This one is based on the fact that the so-called “Grand Grimoire” exists, and it does. It is a book, also called “The Red Dragon,” and the “Gospel of Satan.” The book is real because the Roman Catholic Church officially claims ownership of it, but has never let the public glimpse it. It is fact that it was discovered in Jerusalem in 1750, in the tomb of Solomon, written in either Biblical Hebrew or Aramaic. The manuscript has not been dated to an earlier time than this, or else the Church has not said, but the book itself is inscribed with the date of 1522 AD. Theorists claims it was copied in that year from a manuscript written in the 1200s AD or earlier. The earliest known proof of it comes from the writings of one Honorius of Thebes, whose existence has not been undeniably proven. He may have been Pope Honorius III (1148-1227). Honorius of Thebes is believed to have written something now referred to as the “Sworn Book of Honorius,” from which the Grand Grimoire was derived, or which is, in fact, the Grand Grimoire itself. The theory claims that Honorius was either Satan himself, or possessed by Satan for the purpose of writing the book. It contains instructions on summoning Satan at any time, at any place on Earth, for various insidious intentions. The word “grimoire” denotes a textbook of magic. Any kind of magic, whether good or bad. A great deal of so-called copies are in circulation around the world, but none of these, the conspiracy theory claims, contains the true words of the actual Grimoire. It is very popular in the voodoo culture of Haiti, and practitioners there claim to use the book all the time, like a cookbook for spells and hexes. Theorists claims the Grand Grimoire is itself supernatural in that it permanently resists burning, cannot be cut, pierced, penetrated, torn, or in any other way damaged or destroyed. It is the only book with the knowledge of how to summon Satan (all others being fakes that don’t work), with a precise ritual to be performed, and in addition to this, it can summon any number of named demons (Pazuzu, from “The Exorcist” among them). Being written by Satan, it details proofs of various supernatural miracles of the Bible, the precise locations of biblical relics, and even contains Satan’s personal sketches of the faces of Judas Iscariot and Jesus Christ. Because it is in the Catholic Church’s possession, the theory goes on to claim that every Pope starts out a human, and then becomes possessed by Satan once he is elected. The 1989 film “Warlock,” starring Julian Sands as the prospective Antichrist, uses the Grimoire as a major plot device, and goes even further, claiming that the Grimoire contains the secret name of God, which, when uttered backward, will annihilate the Universe. This lister paused the film and inched it forward at the climax to read the secret name, and it is “Roaisha.” Help yourselves. Think it just couldn’t possibly get any better? Well, this last quality of the Grimoire was most likely invented by David Twohy, who wrote the story for the film. But conspiracy theorists have championed the idea ever since, claiming that everything in this entry is based on provable facts, and that these facts are in the Grand Grimoire itself. So where is the Grimoire? You guessed it – in the Vatican Secret Archives.
